Month Four

Four months huh? Can you believe it's been that long since you were ripped from my belly? Of course being only 4 months old you don't really have any concept of time do you? Well for me it's been a 4 month long blur. And to be honest, this whole 'time flying' business is starting to piss me off.

This month you have become quite attached to your mother. I admit though, that sometimes? the feeling is totally mutual. There may have been many moments that I wished someone else would take you so I could just make a freaking sandwich. But this month has been filled with moments of missing the hell out of you when you were only napping for 30 min in the other room. When I pick you up out of your bed I tell you how I've been missing you and I hold your little body close and try to memorize what that moment feels like. The feeling of your breath on my neck, the weight of you in my arms, how your body melds perfectly into mine, it is all so precious to me.

After all that mushy missing you business I look at the clock and see you've only napped a total of 15 min in the last week and WHY AREN'T YOU TIRED? Oh right, that whole sleep regression thing. I've read horror stories about babies that start their 4 month regression and don't go back to sleep until after their 9 month regression. You aren't that kind of baby though, tell me you aren't that kind of baby. Mama is tired.

(falling asleep on the couch)

I do understand though, that the reason you aren't sleeping is because you are learning all kinds of new tricks. To date you haven't mastered any of the more recognizable milestones like rolling over, crawling, writing a novel, or cutting teeth, but you haven't been without accomplishments. You babble on and on with new sounds every day and it's one of my favorite things in the whole world to look into your eyes and listen to you tell me about all the dreams you had last night. You also mastered spitting. Yep, it started with some funny sounds, then raspberries and spit bubbles, to finally full on spitting in my face. You find this pretty funny too I might add, even though you don't know what you are doing, luckily you prefer the raspberries.

You are laughing a lot more. You like the mirror and when I kiss you near your armpits the best. I also discovered that you love bouncing in my arms. I'm not talking about the kind of bouncing you see mothers doing at restaurants when their babies are crying and other diners are giving the stink eye (ahem Buca di Beppo), no, I'm talking about serious bouncing. I have a huge exercise ball that I use instead of a rocking chair and for the first three months of your life you would fall asleep almost instantly when I would hold you and bounce lightly. Now, however, you get excited when I sit down on it because you know I'll bounce you real high, and you open your mouth as wide as it'll go because that's what you do when you are really happy. You sometimes erupt into a fit of laughter, but mostly you just try to open your mouth a little bit wider than your face will allow.

(laughing w/ grandma)

We made the switch to reusable diapers this month. I'm happy with it, you seem unfazed, but everyone else in the house seems either grossed out (Martha) or just kinda confused about why I would want to do this (grandma and grandpa).

*I want you to know that right now, as I am uploading pictures to this post, I went to put on my PJs and your grandpa, (who is now "papa") attempted to check his email on my computer. If I had taken one second longer, all my work would have been lost and you would have no memory of ever meeting your grandfather.

You know what Josephine? I can't believe how big you've gotten. Seriously. You are exclusively breastfed, no formula or solids, you were on the small side (of the healthy average) when you were born, yet you weigh in at the top of the charts now. As of today, you are in the 90th percentile for weight and 80th percentile for height. Is grandma sneaking you candy?

The next thing I want to say is pretty difficult to express accurately. When you are older, I want you to be able to read these posts and understand a little bit what it is like for me to be your mother and how much I have always loved you.

Before you have a baby you can't know what it's going to be like when you do. I knew I was going to love you, I was already in love with you before you were born, but I love you differently today than I did in the first few weeks of your life. See, this is where I don't want you to misunderstand me; I LOVED you like crazy the moment I saw your puffy face peek over the curtain in the operating room. But....most of what I did for the first few weeks was instinct. I still act on instinct everyday, but now I also know who you are and can make day-to-day decisions based on our relationship. I know there will come a day when you won't be able to stand me. You'll slam the door to your bedroom, open it, slam it again, and write about how I just don't understand you in your diary. Until then, I am going to cherish every snuggle, because that's the relationship I have with my daughter today.

1 comment:

Deeedra said...

I love your monthly posts for Josephine! The laughing video is priceless and scary for me all at the same time. As I look down at Abram and then that video I think...holy crap, you're going to be doing that in July or so? geez...it's amazing at even on your third child you forget how fast it goes!!! I'm proud of you for all you are doing with her. You are a fantastic mother! So impressive that you're doing it as a single mom. Props to you Rachel...seriously! love you!